♡ Mindfulness ♡

One of my kids is in a DBT therapy program right now. part of that requires a parent to go through the program with him to help reinforce coping skills outside of group.

The Group is being taught about mindfulness. Which focuses a lot in staying present in the moment, and different types of coping skills.

I feel like this has been really helpful for me. In addition to my own personal therapy.

I have been told by both of my therapists that the practice of “mindfulness” could be a good tool for me to help keep me from destabilizing in times of stress or anxiety. I’ve been coming closer to being ready to start focusing on that more. I feel like I’m A little more able to refocus on the things that I can control when my anxiety is flaring.

I’m trying to work on managing my own stability, for my own quality of life, and so that I can offer more stability for the kids and John. The biggest part of that for me is self care. Another part of that includes recognizing triggers whether it is people places or situations so that I can be more self aware (mindful) of my reactions while I’m exposed to those triggers, increasing stress tolorence, reducing exposure to those triggers, and looking for solutions to problems rather than just reacting to them. If its not something I can “solve”, I need to utalize healthy coping skills to tolerate a situation that I cannot change.

I still have a lot of work to do on the reacting peice of this equation, but I do feel good about my progress.

Mental Crossroads

I know that neither of us wants to have this hanging between us.

So here is where Im at. We could choose to throw out all the shit that was said out of anger and boil it down to what set this off so we can we can be more aware and try to avoid this mine field in the future.

Boiling things back down to the heart of what started the emotional granade launching in the 1st place. which was the text message.

This is my theory.

Now, Amber doesn’t usually message me so when I saw that message that kind of caught me off guard. Adam calls me from her phone all the time and I have never ever had her message me to ask about it. so it just it seemed really weird to me. It threw me off and put me on guard.

I think that is what put the whole thing in motion. I felt like there could be some weird ulterior motives for her messaging me. So it didn’t feel to me like she was sincerely actually asking about my family, but felt Like she was digging for something.

I could be completly wrong. Maybe she really was just reaching out to chat, and that would be great. I do care about her and would love to have that kind of relationship with her.

I really wasn’t bothered about Adam calling me in the middle of the night. Thats just one of those things we do. I was mildly frustrated at the time. Thats it. I literally hung up and went back to bed and that was that.

It is possible that maybe she was actually sincerely trying to reach out and have a conversation and that maybe when I questioned her sincerity on it triggered her defenses and sent her into bitch mode.

I dont know. Im not a mind reader. I can only tell you how I felt then and how I feel now.

I could sit here and be pissed off about the shit she said, or I can try to look at why she said it and potentially aid the relationship instead of blowing it up.

Getting this off my chest

For my own mental health I will write this shit out to get it out of my head so I can try to put it aside and move on.

I don’t keep it a secret that I struggle with anxiety, depression, PTSD, Ankylosing Spondylitis and Fibromyagia. All things that can be very destabilizing, contribute to my anxiety getting the best of me, causing intrusive thoughts that I cant shake, like something I said that was stupid, or something someone said to me that My mind over analyzes, leading to some crazy bitch moments, neurotic behaviors, or getting myself involved in unnecessary drama. Usually involving my family.

Its also pretty well known to those around me that the last few years have been filled with major stressers that have truly been out of my control, like 3 major surgeries between John and myself, my dads cancer, financial struggles while we recovered from surgeries, Mary Jane;s autism, CPS, Aaron;s PTSD, and school problems with both.

I have my share of issues, but I do try to be self aware, learn and grow from my experiences and seek help when I can.

This week someone decided to message me trying to dig for dirt and drama. At least that’s how it seemed. Pretending to be concerned and friendly until they got the dirt they were looking for, then went silent.

Now, there’s a small chance that she was actually being sincere, but since they ghosted as soon as I talked about what they wanted to here I felt it confirmed my suspicion that they were just there for drama.

So I called her on it. Instead of telling me that I was wrong she got defensive and said anything she could trying to set me off or hurt me.

She looked for my buttons and she sure found them. Congratulations! Put another gold star on your bitch banner that you are oh so proud of!

Of all the nasty things she venomously spit at me there are 3 main points that really triggered me.

First, that I “abandoned my family”. Nice! This one gets me good!

I’ve heard this one from my siblings before when they are really pissed off, too.

I was put in the position to care for my 2 younger brothers and my father when I was twelve years old. I took care of the boys after school and called 911 when dad had seizures. My sense of family obligation was so strong that I even passed up a scholarship opportunity because I didn’t feel I could leave my family.

So as a young adult I continued to feel responsible to step in and try to “fix” things. sometimes invited and sometimes not. My then co-dependent nature lead me to believe that is just what family/friends/ people do for each other, and I foolishly believed that they would do the same for me.

Even after I met My husband and moved out, I would still check in on things.
I would regularly get dragged into my older brothers drama because he would ask me to get involved, saying he couldn’t mentally cope. Even let him stay with me, and use my car to go to work, then basically tell me i’m a bitch and blame me for his problems.

When my youngest brother got into some trouble, I would take the 2 1/2 hour trip to see him to try and offer hope and support.

Not many did.

When he was grown and out on his own I took the trip to see him more than anyone else in my family.

When my dad moved to back to Michigan, I took that drive just to meet my dad at the station and take him to my Youngest brother’s appartment where he would be living.

While my brother was young and wanted to party more than my dad was comfortable with, and dad was getting really sick from mildew in his room, I drove the 2 1/2 hours to pick dad up and move him in with me.

Within a few years my brother was in a bad situation. So, we took that drive again and moved him in with us, as well.

I just kept feeling like I was responsible for everyone and thats just what family does for each other, Right?

You tell me I haven’t been family in years. … friendly reminder, I used to come out for visits until Adam drank too much, yelled at my kid and called him a liar, then shoved me across the room, told me to get out but wouldn’t let me find my phone.
so, I didn’t talk to him for about a year. So if you feel like I wasn’t family during that time your blame is misplaced.

I knew that during that year he did an anger management program, so when dad got sick, I didn’t hesitate to put the beef aside.

Since then, I have brought you groceries, smokes,dip. alcohol, diapers, taco bell, watched your kids, found, bought, picked up and even delivered a washing machine, used dads money to pay your bills. NEVER ASKING FOR ANYTHING IN RETURN!
you honestly think I ABANDONED my family? Because my Kids have special needs?

There’s nothing wrong with me aiming for healthy boundaries, when outside stressers like this bullshit can become very destabilizing for me and only makes me Leary of interacting with you guys at all.

Honestly, I really want to know what you think I should have been doing that would have been enough in your mind. Pretty hypocritical. Tell me how hard you guys try to be a part of my life?.

THEN the phrase ” you didn’t care about your dad until he was sick…..” Wow! you really are good at this game!

I used to be daddy’s little girl. He used to take me fishing, too. late for my own 8th birthday out fishing with Papa. He took me to dances and stood up to my bullies and assailant. until he got sick, got on drugs, and had an Arianism and brain damage, and Johnny told me how Dad destroyed our family doing drugs. Even though I was traumatized by the violence around me as he abused Johnny, I was young and loved my Papa.

I took care of him at 12 years old,. calling 911 and making sure he didn’t bite off his tongue during hes seizures. Taking care of the boys while letting dad think he was actually in charge, since his logic was impaired.. Until at 15 I had to testify against him in court. I had no concept of brain damage or TMI’s. I literally watched him go crazy. I watched him sneak up our driveway in the middle of the night and pull wires from moms car. I broke down in the corner as Dad was beating Johnny so badly that my mom was hitting him on the head with a frying pan while Johnny held him down.

I watched him sink further and further into addiction untill he was a shell of the man he was. Brain damage is an ugly beast. I could go on with tons of crazy stories but you get the point.

I couldn’t let him be a part of the kids lives until he got clean, which he eventually did. He then spent years calling me almost every weekend trying to rebuild our relationship. Even when I wouldn’t always answer, like clockwork. We chatted and reminisced and talk about a lot of deep shit.

While he was living with me the first time, he would often make us breakfast, and I would take a plate down to him when he wasn’t feeling well. I’d also make him let me wash his bedding once in a while. Pick up his cases of Pepsi and tubs of vanilla ice cream.

I found and took him to buy loads of fishing gear off craigslist. I helped him order his hobby stuff off the internet, and drove him to the hobby store to by his first spot pointer. I watched him learn to master those detectors and spend hours hunting in our yard, then move down to the neighbors, then the park. I watched him spend hours with MJ making clay animals and forging videos on youtube, and teach my kids all about the edible plants in the backyard.

we spent hours talking plants and metal detecting, the bible, conspiracies, his life stories, then we would also argue over what the temperature was outside or that i vaxed mj.
he spent 4 years with mj glued by his side.
we had a falling out over him hitting the kids. His brain damage effected his impulse control. I ad to make him move out.

We were distant for a bit., but it wasn’t long before everytime i came over he would here me and come out to hug me and say “hey Babea!” I’d go in his room to say hi if he didn’t, and he’d show me his latest finds and he send videos for me too watch.

When he got cancer i did everything that i could, despite having some very serious shit on my own hands, I made time for him.

No one but he and I have any concept of or relationship

I was “voluntold” to be dads representative. Mom said I was the only one that could do it. Sure, that upset me for a bit, but she really was right. Probably more than she knew at the time.. but defiantly more that I ever would have Imagined. I could never ask anyone else to go through what I went through with Dad in the end. with as much as it fucked me up it would have destroyed mom, or any of my siblings, to do that.

I did the best i could. i drove down there almost every day to fight with doctors.

i fought to have him moved to the most central nursing home hoping to encourage others to go see him.
i went grocery shopping for him every week and snuck it in, trying to help him eat.
hell i drove down there just to take him out for a smoke!
I eventually put my foot down to move him in since nobody else was helping.

who the fuck do you think you are, trying to tell Me how I feel about MY dad???? ! My dad and I have had many ups and downs. But loved each other deeply.

.That same mindset would often spill over into friendships or people around me. I often felt that most drama stemmed from misunderstandings, and could be talked out. With good intentions I would step in where I didn’t need to. Again, this was great for the person benefiting from it, and a few of those people used that to their advantage, played my heart and good intentions, then threw me under the bus once I was no longer useful.

I felt very hurt as I came to this realization and did my share of lashing out.

There has been a lot of heart ache for everyone involved.

For my siblings, I had to learn that they are not kids any more and dont need me to “fix” anything

I eventually decided to take the energy that I was giving to everyone else and use it on building up myself and kids.

Im in a much better place now that I focus on my own mental health, well being and what I can actually control, change or work on. usually thats my daily routines, self care and my kids.

To say that I abandoned my family or dont care about them is a great big crock of shit!

That same mindset would often spill over into friendships or people around me. I often felt that most drama stemmed from misunderstandings, and could be talked out. With good intentions I would step in where I didn’t need to. Again, this was great for the person benefiting from it, and a few of those people used that to their advantage, played my heart and good intentions, then threw me under the bus once I was no longer useful.

I felt very hurt as I came to this realization and did my share of lashing out.

There has been a lot of heart ache for everyone involved.

For my siblings, I had to learn that they are not kids any more and dont need me to “fix” anything

I eventually decided to take the energy that I was giving to everyone else and use it on building up myself and kids.

Im in a much better place now that I focus on my own mental health, well being and what I can actually control, change or work on. usually thats my daily routines, self care and my kids.

To say that I abandoned my family or dont care about them is a great big crock of shit!

I’m fucking up my kids??? then your next sentence you told me i’m too wrapped up in my kids?? WT literal F! you had one rebellious teenager talk shit to Adam. and if your referring to MJ’s autism, that’s pretty fucking discusting. my kids ARE my world, as they should be.

I have been starting to let Johnnys bullshit feaster in me. Now that im not as busy actively dealing with dad stuff and cps stuff, and just doing busy work its been seeping into my brain.

I am going to write a blog about it and explain why I can deal with Adam’s venting tangents but become enraged by Johnny’s.

I was finally able to articulate in my mind that the reason it pisses me off so much when johnny rants about Adam “using” mom or dad, obviously, is because he is the biggest mooch I know.

Johnny has to live off of everyone else starting with over $1000 mom sank into lawyer fees for his divorce.

Even if Dad had been giving Adam money all the time, thats his choice. Adam are his baby. Dad moved back to Michigan specifically because he wanted to try and help Adam.

Just like it is moms choice if she wants to support johnny for a decade.
As I said in the update group chat, Johnny is the last person that gets to say anything about someone getting help from a parent, and the last person who should talk about someone pitting people against each other.

As for the situation now, Adam actually has the right complain about the lack of help from our siblings because dispite having a full time job and a family with 4 young babies, he has MADE time to be there for dad and actually take some weight off off my shoulders.

I feel like I have come out of the major depression that I have been in. I have been crushing my Flylady routines, and they are doing what they are supposed to do. Im tackling the basics first, and maintaining them while slowly chipping away at the more detailed cleaning and organization.

I am starting to be able to add in a little more self care. The idea of taking a shower didn’t fill me with dread, and it had only been a few days since my last one. Sadly thats a huge improvement from where I was. I feel like I the next one wont be so bad.

Yesterday, sadness started to creep back in. Not depressed, just sad. We found out that John has to have emergency surgery. He has bulging disks and arthritis in his cervical spine that are compressing his spinal cord, and causing partial paralasis of his legs. It is an emergency because it could become permanent or cause further paralysis.

This made me reflect on all the obsticles that we have had to overcome so far. My dad overshadowed the all. Obviously standing behind him through his battle with cancer is a big one.

Looking at the surgeries that John and I have recently gone through is the next contender. How hard it was to keep us afloat during recovery. Then my dads reaction when he realized what we had gone through. He said he didnt even know I had had surgery, and that he would have been here if he had. I do believe him.

I should have communicated with him more. It would have been a blessing to have his help, and time I could have spent with him before he got this sick. Then I would have seen the growth and I could have tried to get him to a Dr. He probably wouldn’t have gone, but I could have tried.

So, I’ve been crying at the drop of a hat all over again.

I need to apply for a job with Shipt, but I have been dragging my feet about the video interview. Im also nervous about adding to my plate when im just getting back on my feet. Im afraid of getting derailed. But I have to do it. We need to eat, and pay the bills. John hasnt been able to work in over a month, and wont be able to for at least a few months to recover from his surgery on the 11th.

The Train.

I think im starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel.
But it feels that one pain is lifting to make way for a greater one.

I woke up early this morning and took a shower. I knew I had therapy today and want to feel like im getting my shit together.

Ive been trying to stay focused on my fly lists. I had help tackling the big projects in my home, and ive been doing ok at maintaining my kitchen and some laundry.

I do actually feel anxious about getting back on top. I feel like im just waiting for the next big wave to knock me down.

I have been uncomfortable with how detached I usually feel about the enevitability of my dad dying.

I do have breakthrough moments of sadness, morning and fear.
But why fear? Maybe because im afraid of having regets. Im afraid of the pain. I dont know how it will effect me to lose a parent. Its not like I’ve done this before.
Ive had loss. People I loved, But didnt actually see that often. So it was easy to mourn and go back to my life. The whole that they left wasnt always right in front of me.

I dont know how tramatic it will be to watch him die, and that scares me.
But i am more afraid of feeling like i didnt do enough.

Or that i wasted time that I could have had with him.

I always thought it was easier if you know someone is going to die. You get used to the idea and have time to say and do anything you need to.

I have the oportunity to make a difference. Make sure he doesnt die alone. Its more important to me than i have allowed myself to feel.

The hard part is standing on the tracks, watching the train of loss as it picks up steam to run you down. Standing your ground, being brave, staring it down, and walking toward it.

By bringing him home, I am walking toward it.

Every ounce of my soul screams that this is the right thing. I dont think i could live with myself if I didnt.

The guilt would haunt me.

So here I go, one foot in front of the other, I push on.

I just have to keep focusing on my routines. Keep going through the motions, so when that train runs me down my world wont crumble around me quite as hard.

The right thing isnt usually the easy thing.

Coffee and babble

I am havent a very stubborn bout of depression. I cant seem to find my ambition to save my life. I feel pretty strongly that the CPS situation and my dads cancer are mentally kicking my ass.

I seriously want to shut down but that will only make things worse.

I tried to just relax and spend time with hubby this weekend. I did organize my pantry and that has been driving me nuts for some time now. So I should feel good about that.

I have phone calls to make, I really need a shower and to go to the grocery store, but nasty cramps are just draining me further.

I really need to find positive things to fucus on. I read a book over the weekend, and gave my puppy a bath. Ive been very grateful that my puppy is so clingy since snuggling her is so comforting.

Today is presidents day or something so a lot of offices are closed, which buys me a day with no appointments, but i stayed in bed till nearly noon. Well, ok, i’m technically still in bed, but I’m awake and having coffee.

Preparing for war

January 6, 2019 3:40 am

Yesterday I didnt even

want to get out of bed. Then crashed before 10 PM. Which is unheard of for this night owl.

I woke up too early this morning to stare at the ceiling and let my mind run wild.

Today is the day. I’m up before my alarm, dressed, with my boots on, preparing for battle. I’ve been chosen by my family to lead us in this battle as the strongest, craziest, most bullheaded, and most courageous man I have ever known lays before the most brutal opponent he has ever faced.

Cancer

 

Papa has cancer

https://www.gofundme.com/Papasancerexpensefund?sharetype=teams&member=1434600&rcid=r01-154676038509-a6ee520ebde3464e&pc=ot_co_campmgmt_m

Papa has cancer.

Please read and share

https://www.gofundpapa has cancerme.com/Papasancerexpensefund?sharetype=teams&member=1434600&rcid=r01-154676038509-a6ee520ebde3464e&pc=ot_co_campmgmt_m