The Train.

I think im starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel.
But it feels that one pain is lifting to make way for a greater one.

I woke up early this morning and took a shower. I knew I had therapy today and want to feel like im getting my shit together.

Ive been trying to stay focused on my fly lists. I had help tackling the big projects in my home, and ive been doing ok at maintaining my kitchen and some laundry.

I do actually feel anxious about getting back on top. I feel like im just waiting for the next big wave to knock me down.

I have been uncomfortable with how detached I usually feel about the enevitability of my dad dying.

I do have breakthrough moments of sadness, morning and fear.
But why fear? Maybe because im afraid of having regets. Im afraid of the pain. I dont know how it will effect me to lose a parent. Its not like I’ve done this before.
Ive had loss. People I loved, But didnt actually see that often. So it was easy to mourn and go back to my life. The whole that they left wasnt always right in front of me.

I dont know how tramatic it will be to watch him die, and that scares me.
But i am more afraid of feeling like i didnt do enough.

Or that i wasted time that I could have had with him.

I always thought it was easier if you know someone is going to die. You get used to the idea and have time to say and do anything you need to.

I have the oportunity to make a difference. Make sure he doesnt die alone. Its more important to me than i have allowed myself to feel.

The hard part is standing on the tracks, watching the train of loss as it picks up steam to run you down. Standing your ground, being brave, staring it down, and walking toward it.

By bringing him home, I am walking toward it.

Every ounce of my soul screams that this is the right thing. I dont think i could live with myself if I didnt.

The guilt would haunt me.

So here I go, one foot in front of the other, I push on.

I just have to keep focusing on my routines. Keep going through the motions, so when that train runs me down my world wont crumble around me quite as hard.

The right thing isnt usually the easy thing.